Out of the mouths of babes

I'm not sure what I would have done without my neighbors, Chris and Rich. From the moment I stumbled out of the house as the paramedics tried to bring back Mark, Chris was there. She stayed for hours that day. One of the few bright spots in the last few months has been getting to know their family better, and our frequent visits. Not only have they done many kind things for me, but more importantly they are kind, good people.

Last week their 3 year old daughter, Cally, was in our driveway when she heard sirens and said that someone's in trouble. Having the distinct memory of sirens, an ambulance, firemen and policemen pulling up en masse in my driveway weeks before...her words felt like a punch to my stomach. She was right though, someone was in trouble. Whether they were being chased, or they needed assistance, they were in trouble. I used to silently wish someone well every time I heard a siren. Now I cringe...the sirens have become personal. I know what it feels like to hear them coming toward my house, to hear them in the distance and then get louder and louder, until there's a loud knock at your door. I want it all to be just a bad dream. I try to ignore sirens now. I turn up the radio, hum to myself....anything. Kids don't say things in nuances. They say the simple. Someone's in trouble. She was right.

Then this week Cally was playing in the dirt when she offhandedly asked me why Mark got sick. I don't know why! I've asked WHY a million fricking times! But I'm asking in a completely different sense. He got sick because some cruel power decided that just when things were coming together for him, he should be struck down. Just as he was coming out of a long bout of depression, and reclaiming himself, he was wiped out. Just when we had started to work out how to handle our individual and joint weaknesses, he's gone. Just as his career was heading toward an exciting time of growth, he vanishes. I will never have another soul mate like him. I will never have someone who unconditionally loved me like him. And I will never have a three year old daughter with beautiful blue eyes who will ask me simple questions that will stump me.

So, the answer was that "Mark had an owie that we didn't know about". It seemed to satisfy her...if only it satisfied me.

Treasure your loved ones - poverty with someone you love...is rich, wealth without your loved one is worthless.
Natalia

The most awful day of the month

Today is the 22nd. The second time that I've replayed every moment of this date in my head. Mark has been gone for two months now. There are buildings which go directly from the 12th floor to the 14th floor, why can't we just skip the 22nd of the month?

I couldn't even get out of bed until 11:00 - the poor dogs were begging to go outside. The world felt so diferent when Mark was here - someone had my back. As much as I know certain people do care...nobody cares about me the way Mark did, and I don't care about anyone else the way that I cared for Mark. There are things that I would overlook, things that I would do for Mark that I wouldn't do for anyone. I boiled a live lobster for his 40th birthday! He was constantly in my thoughts.... How stressed out is he at work, does he need me to go there for lunch today? What would he like for dinner? Any time I went to the store I was always looking for what he liked. I wasn't a martyr by any means....that's just normal when you love someone. And I know that he was the same way. Now there's nothing, and it's unbearable.

Every day I break down and cry hysterically, every day I tell Mark I miss him. Then I start to feel guilty. If I was feeling bad, he did everything in his power to make me feel better. If he is watching me, how is he possibly at peace seeing how unhappy I am? Maybe I need to "get over this" so he can be at peace. What could I have done differently so that he would still be here? Three seconds....less even, the difference between life and death. How in the damn world do I go back in time, and change three seconds? Did some part of me know that he might die? Mark's last night was not peaceful....he was agitated, restless is an understatement. In an effort to calm him I talked of the future...of a beautiful child waiting for him when he came home that would have the best of both of us. A child that would have been raised with parents that were learning what unconditional love really was....and had the best in both of us. I then talked to him about the past. The happiest day in our lives, 08/11/01. I repeated my vow to him, "In sickness and in health, until death do us part". Those were the last words I said to him, the very last words. It gives me a little comfort, but just as much guilt. IF ONLY!!!!!! A different decision here or there...the guilt eats away at me like acid through a sweet tart. I don't want it to erode me, I don't want to become embittered. So, I have to deal with it....and I'm ill equipped. I forgave Mark countless times in our marriage...somehow I'm going to have to forgive myself. I have to, or there will be nothing left of what Mark loved in me - my heart.

There's a stupid "bereavement support group" tonight nearby. Ironically right across the street from where Mark was in ICU and ended up walking out of the hospital perfectly well, only to pass away two months later. There's another support group at the church which we wed. Great...full service place - we join you in marriage and then tell you it's all okay when they die less than 7 years later. All of these places feel tainted to me, and I want to avoid them.

Forgive the ones you love. Nothing is unforgiveable.
Natalia

Fear

I've been taking Valium a bit more than usual lately. I wish it could make me numb in the way that the first few weeks after Mark left were. Just when I'm faced with so many decisions, I'm overwhelmed with fears that I never had. Mark was always here.

I feel so stupid - SO STUPID! I used to try to console Mark that everything would be okay. For every problem we faced I'd lay out the "worst case scenario". It would never include anything like this...it would always be something to the extent that we'd sell the house and rent for a few years. DUMB stuff like that. That was really the worst that I thought could happen. My husband was 43 years old...he's going to stick around for at least another 3o years. That just doesn't happen; not in my world of "worst case scenarios".

So, on July 22nd, when I sat in the front lawn in my pajamas and was told that Mark didn't make it...my world fell apart. My worst case scenarios were just a joke. Thinking of the real worst case scenario would have been impossible. I could not have imagined this world...never. So, as I'm trying to navigate through a web of decisions I not only feel all alone, but I'm full of fear...what is the real "worst case scenario" here? What do I do?

Mark, are you really okay? Are you at peace? Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much your family loves you? Do you now know how special and irreplaceable you are? If I could get answers to all of those questions, I would feel just a moment of relief from fears.

I miss you Mark.

Drop your fears and open your heart to someone you love...just a little means a lot.
Natalia

Happy Birthday Baby, Sad Anniversary for me.

This was one of the roughest weeks I've had in a long time. Last Monday I had to take a friend to the Mayo Clinic for a surgery. She needed to put on a pressure stocking before the operation, and I started to put it on her. I hesitated and looked for that bump on the ankle....the bump that Mark had from shattering his ankle and having major surgery, and the hardware had never been removed. It left a significant bump on his ankle. Every time I get into a nurturing frame of mind...it's supposed to be Mark that I'm taking care of.
So, I spent the better part of the day waiting to hear from her surgeons how everything went, and that voice in the back of my mind saying "I should be here waiting for Mark's surgery". It made me so sad...I was frequently going to the bathroom so I could cry in peace.

Then, we had the big 9/11 day. 9/11 was personal to both Mark & I. Mark was raised in Omaha, but NYC was his hometown in his heart. He lived there for six or seven years before he moved to Minneapolis. We should have high tailed it back to NYC after we met...I think he would have been happier there. Whenever he would talk about NYC....his eyes would shine. We honeymooned there just a few weeks before all of it happened. He could get lost in his own neighborhood in MN...but never in NYC. He knew it like the back of his hand. I'm glad that he went there a month before he passed away.

We also celebrated our anniversary monthly. On the 11th of every month Mark would come strolling in with a bouquet of flowers and a card...and that big sweet smile that would have been more than enough on its own. All of those factors combined with the public grieving over 9/11, talking heads, and news about it excruciating. I did my best to avoid as much as possible. They say that when one person yawns it's contagious....it tends to trigger a yawn in anyone who views it. Grief is like that too....watching crying family members on tv made me feel like crying. I used to feel empathy....now I feel IT.

Then, Mark's "Birthday Weekend". We always did a full weekend, usually before the birthday. I would have made all of his favorite foods, steak, lobster, beef stroganoff (I gave up trying to duplicate his mom's mostaccioli and meatballs), sometimes we'd go to a concert, and in general we'd do whatever he wanted to do. One day wasn't enough...we had to have a weekend plus. This is the first birthday without him. He would have been just 44 years old...it's just not fair, it's not right. I'm mad, and I'm sad. I want to SCREAM that a stupid mistake was made. THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

I just hope that if he is somewhere, he knows that I love him with all of my heart, his whole family does. We're all grieving him - a man who questioned how important he really was. He was the world to me.

Remind those that you love how important they are. Everyone needs to feel important and special....and they are.
Natalia

Entertaining ghosts

Up until a few months ago I used to be so happy that I would sing in my car...loudly and badly (I'm sure), even "drive dancing" if the music was good enough and I was happy enough. I would be on my way home to Mark, driving fast, and I was happy. Every now and then I thought that if there is life after death, my grandmother would be suffering through my singing, but then I suffered through hers at church...so I guess it all evens out. I'm sure she would have been laughing at me, dancing in my seat as I'm driving.

I haven't been that happy in the last few months - so I haven't been drive dancing/singing. I wonder if Mark is watching? Before Mark's death I had some belief in life continuing after death. I believed in god. Not in any religion, but god. Now, I just don't see how everything that has happened in the last few months can possibly co-exist along side a loving god.

I'm not sure when I'll ever sing again...but if I do, I hope Mark is watching me and gets a good laugh! I don't think I'm doing much else right now that would make him happy, except surviving. Maybe that's enough for now. I hope someday I'll be happy enough that I'll be able to entertain him, and he'll be able to smile that huge smile that melted me. Maybe I'll do the elevator jig, Mark.

Show your joy with someone you love - some smiles last for eternity in the memory.
Natalia

Abandonment

A friend of mine talked earlier today about difficulty she had when her boyfriend was out of town. She realized that she was having issues with abandonment, and is dealing with it in therapy.
Abandonment doesn't get any more permanent than to be left behind in this situation. I suppose it helps to know that Mark never chose to abandon me...but the net result is the same.

I've also been learning that certain friends are really there for what you can do for them. It's really hard because I put so much value into my friendships. But ultimately, if you're going to be a survivor, you're going to be abandoned time and time again. Mark was ALWAYS there for me. I hope I was always there for him...he didn't always make it clear when he needed me. I do know this much, nobody on this planet was more important than him, and he knew that in his heart. I chose him, and I never looked back.

Stay with the one you love - they're irreplaceable.
Natalia

One pill fixes all

I've been depressed once before, and when I realized it I told Mark that he needed to get me help because I wouldn't be able to do it myself. When it takes you 15 minutes to will yourself to grab the remote control...that's a pretty good clue. I caught it, he made the appointment, I went, and within a week I felt like myself again.

Not surprisingly given the last month or so, I'm depressed, and this time I had to catch it before it got to the point it did last time. I made the appointment myself. I don't think it's going to make me cry less, but maybe it will help make things seem less hopeless.

I see nothing good in the future. I'll never have another love like Mark - never. I'll never settle for something less. We used to say that we were so lucky...that so few people ever find that kind of deep love. It wasn't all smooth sailing...I wish I could say that, but we made mistakes. We did learn from them, and the last nine months were some of the best of our marriage. Maybe I should be grateful that I got something that most people never get - unconditional love in a marriage.

I'm not feeling particularly grateful these days. I'm angry, but more than anything else I'm feeling totally hopeless. I can't see anything good will ever come in my life again. I don't want a half ass love, so I won't have another relationship. I won't have children - something Mark and I were actively working on. Due to the increasing difficulty of my health over the last few years and our lack of life insurance, my "lifestyle" (if you can call it that) will be crap. Our beloved Hoover is 7 1/2 years old, and in the next couple years he will pass away. Most of my friends are a little bit older than me, my brother is older. By actuarial tables, I will likely outlive everyone. I'll be the crabby old lady at the nursing home that nobody comes to visit. I'll see everyone I care about die, and be left with nobody.

Everything was bearable with Mark by my side. Now, nothing is. I forget to feed my dogs...I forget to eat. Living is just a formality. So, I think I've come to the stunning conclusion that I'm depressed.

Never fear, I'm American, I'll get some shiney new pills and everything will be better. Husband dead? No problem, pills will solve everything.

Tell someone you love that you love them - they need to hear it, and you need to remember you said it.
Natalia

Protest & inertia

Yesterday I went to the big protest against the Republican Convention, with a concert afterwards. One of Mark's big regrets was that he would want to do things, but he was just so laid back in nature that he wouldn't. So I went - more for Mark than for myself. Frankly, he wouldn't have done very well yesterday. It was quite hot and humid...and he was physically unable to tolerate heat. I used to think that he just needed to try harder....only after he died did I learn that he had a tumor which made him intolerant to heat. On several occasions during the protest I found myself missing Mark so much that I actually chose to go into those disgusting porta potties just so I could cry, and not look like a total idiot.

He was so passionate about music and politics - yet he could also be profoundly lazy about them. We'd have tickets for a concert...sometimes he wouldn't go. He always said that he just needed someone to push him; that he was almost always glad that he went. I understood because I have a little of that in me also. So yesterday I went for Mark, and it was hard. It's so hard not to have him here. It's hard not to hear his passionate views about how wrong our country is heading. He cared deeply - something we connected on. He didn't just follow politics and sit on the fence...he'd try to knock the fence down if he thought it was wrong.....he had very passionate convictions. Just as he passionately loved his family.

I want to believe that he's still with me, and at times I do - but it's not enough. His birthday is approaching in a bit more than a week. The depression is overwhelming, and more and more I'm understanding Mark's "lazy side". I don't want do do anything. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to leave the house, I don't even want to feed the dogs. I just want to be with Mark. Is that really so much to ask?

Do something with someone you love today, you'll never regret the memories.
Natalia