Insomnia

Five a.m., and as usual I've fallen asleep for half an hour several times - amounting to about two hours in total. My body physically knows that something is missing. I wake up; feeling his absence and the first thing in my mind is "where's Mark?". I've tried all the tricks; pillows, sleeping pills, even inviting our big dogs to "his spot". The few times that I do manage to get any sleep are when I am in the living room. How can I ever forgive myself for sleeping next to him while he slipped away...quietly away from me? If only I had just woken up an hour, two hours earlier...he would still be here. I can't see how I will ever sleep again...I won't, I can't. I miss Mark at all these hours. I miss hearing the white noise of his CPAP, seeing him sleeping peacefully next to me. I miss the feel of his hand. He would almost always be touching me barely, his foot or hand just barely touching me. I'm not sure if he was reassuring himself that I was here, or me that he was. All I know is that I miss him, and I'm tired.

Please let those that you love know it...they may not be here tomorrow. You don't have to be a saint...anger and disappointment are real. All you need to do to be better at expressing your love than your opinions, anger, or anything else. If you can scream in anger, than make sure you can scream twice as loud in love.

Natalia