Protest & inertia

Yesterday I went to the big protest against the Republican Convention, with a concert afterwards. One of Mark's big regrets was that he would want to do things, but he was just so laid back in nature that he wouldn't. So I went - more for Mark than for myself. Frankly, he wouldn't have done very well yesterday. It was quite hot and humid...and he was physically unable to tolerate heat. I used to think that he just needed to try harder....only after he died did I learn that he had a tumor which made him intolerant to heat. On several occasions during the protest I found myself missing Mark so much that I actually chose to go into those disgusting porta potties just so I could cry, and not look like a total idiot.

He was so passionate about music and politics - yet he could also be profoundly lazy about them. We'd have tickets for a concert...sometimes he wouldn't go. He always said that he just needed someone to push him; that he was almost always glad that he went. I understood because I have a little of that in me also. So yesterday I went for Mark, and it was hard. It's so hard not to have him here. It's hard not to hear his passionate views about how wrong our country is heading. He cared deeply - something we connected on. He didn't just follow politics and sit on the fence...he'd try to knock the fence down if he thought it was wrong.....he had very passionate convictions. Just as he passionately loved his family.

I want to believe that he's still with me, and at times I do - but it's not enough. His birthday is approaching in a bit more than a week. The depression is overwhelming, and more and more I'm understanding Mark's "lazy side". I don't want do do anything. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to leave the house, I don't even want to feed the dogs. I just want to be with Mark. Is that really so much to ask?

Do something with someone you love today, you'll never regret the memories.
Natalia