I've heard it said before that if money can solve it; it's not a problem. Equally, I think that if it can be replaced, it's not a problem. Houses, cars...everything inanimate can be replaced. The only things that can't are those that have a soul. I keep thinking back to Mark's last night. I wish to god that I could go back in time, take him to the hospital and explain to them what was really wrong with him - what I didn't find out until his autopsy. I wish that I could figure out anything good that has come of what he suffered and we lost - I can't.
Part of me is stuck in that time zone, and I don't want to move beyond grieving Mark. How can I stop? I love him, I'm devoted to him...I can't stop grieving him. I took my vows very seriously. I guess I'm technically "off the hook". But I'm not. Because I vowed "until death do us part" - and death has not parted us. I still love Mark Halvin. I'm still his wife. I will always be his wife. So the hard part is; how do I figure out how to want to live in a world where I'm separated from the one I love? I haven't been living for almost six months now. I'm almost as dead as Mark is; only worse. He would choose to be alive, I'm choosing not to be. I know he's not happy with my choices. I know he used to think I could do anything, yet all he ever wanted me to do was to be happy. Such a simple charge: Be Happy.
I've achieved little glimpses of it, always striving for it in the future. I always thought after I graduated things would be better. Then came law school...and I thought that certainly I was paying my dues for future happiness. Mark fortunately relieved me of that delusion, but I still floundered. I knew I was happy with Mark, but I thought I needed more. Then, when Mark passed I realized that I really was happy...I didn't need anything else.
I've frequently heard that we utilize a small percentage of our brains, and it has occurred to me that we utilize an equally small amount of our hearts. I think of how much of my time and energy was wasted on making sure the house looked right, on things that just didn't matter. I really believe that we go about our lives using such a small amount of our potential, whatever that is. Humans are capable of horrendous things, genocides, wars and our ignorance is never ending. But we are also capable of incredible love and kindness. Mark would have been so happy about Barack Obama's inauguration. He was wearing a t-shirt that said 1/20/09. Now that day is here but he isn't.
I know it isn't easy to run on all cylinders non-stop. Just for one day, this day, try utilizing even just 50% of your heart. Try being patient when that creep in the fast car speeds past you (Mark had a lead foot), try overlooking their small flaws (Mark had a couple), and just forgive and love. I know that I sound like a broken record; but you won't have those people forever and YOU deserve to love them today.
