Fear

I've been taking Valium a bit more than usual lately. I wish it could make me numb in the way that the first few weeks after Mark left were. Just when I'm faced with so many decisions, I'm overwhelmed with fears that I never had. Mark was always here.

I feel so stupid - SO STUPID! I used to try to console Mark that everything would be okay. For every problem we faced I'd lay out the "worst case scenario". It would never include anything like this...it would always be something to the extent that we'd sell the house and rent for a few years. DUMB stuff like that. That was really the worst that I thought could happen. My husband was 43 years old...he's going to stick around for at least another 3o years. That just doesn't happen; not in my world of "worst case scenarios".

So, on July 22nd, when I sat in the front lawn in my pajamas and was told that Mark didn't make it...my world fell apart. My worst case scenarios were just a joke. Thinking of the real worst case scenario would have been impossible. I could not have imagined this world...never. So, as I'm trying to navigate through a web of decisions I not only feel all alone, but I'm full of fear...what is the real "worst case scenario" here? What do I do?

Mark, are you really okay? Are you at peace? Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much your family loves you? Do you now know how special and irreplaceable you are? If I could get answers to all of those questions, I would feel just a moment of relief from fears.

I miss you Mark.

Drop your fears and open your heart to someone you love...just a little means a lot.
Natalia