Up until a few months ago I used to be so happy that I would sing in my car...loudly and badly (I'm sure), even "drive dancing" if the music was good enough and I was happy enough. I would be on my way home to Mark, driving fast, and I was happy. Every now and then I thought that if there is life after death, my grandmother would be suffering through my singing, but then I suffered through hers at church...so I guess it all evens out. I'm sure she would have been laughing at me, dancing in my seat as I'm driving.
I haven't been that happy in the last few months - so I haven't been drive dancing/singing. I wonder if Mark is watching? Before Mark's death I had some belief in life continuing after death. I believed in god. Not in any religion, but god. Now, I just don't see how everything that has happened in the last few months can possibly co-exist along side a loving god.
I'm not sure when I'll ever sing again...but if I do, I hope Mark is watching me and gets a good laugh! I don't think I'm doing much else right now that would make him happy, except surviving. Maybe that's enough for now. I hope someday I'll be happy enough that I'll be able to entertain him, and he'll be able to smile that huge smile that melted me. Maybe I'll do the elevator jig, Mark.
Show your joy with someone you love - some smiles last for eternity in the memory.
Natalia
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Hi Natalia,
I know exactly what you are saying. I use to sing while driving home, on my way to pick up Erik. I haven't been able to do it since he died. I cry every time I try. His death took my singing away. You sing when you are happy and wail when you are sad. That's the only way I can describe it.
Your thoughts on god are also right on. I no longer feel that protection I did before he died.
HUGS,
Jeannine
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