The most awful day of the month

Today is the 22nd. The second time that I've replayed every moment of this date in my head. Mark has been gone for two months now. There are buildings which go directly from the 12th floor to the 14th floor, why can't we just skip the 22nd of the month?

I couldn't even get out of bed until 11:00 - the poor dogs were begging to go outside. The world felt so diferent when Mark was here - someone had my back. As much as I know certain people do care...nobody cares about me the way Mark did, and I don't care about anyone else the way that I cared for Mark. There are things that I would overlook, things that I would do for Mark that I wouldn't do for anyone. I boiled a live lobster for his 40th birthday! He was constantly in my thoughts.... How stressed out is he at work, does he need me to go there for lunch today? What would he like for dinner? Any time I went to the store I was always looking for what he liked. I wasn't a martyr by any means....that's just normal when you love someone. And I know that he was the same way. Now there's nothing, and it's unbearable.

Every day I break down and cry hysterically, every day I tell Mark I miss him. Then I start to feel guilty. If I was feeling bad, he did everything in his power to make me feel better. If he is watching me, how is he possibly at peace seeing how unhappy I am? Maybe I need to "get over this" so he can be at peace. What could I have done differently so that he would still be here? Three seconds....less even, the difference between life and death. How in the damn world do I go back in time, and change three seconds? Did some part of me know that he might die? Mark's last night was not peaceful....he was agitated, restless is an understatement. In an effort to calm him I talked of the future...of a beautiful child waiting for him when he came home that would have the best of both of us. A child that would have been raised with parents that were learning what unconditional love really was....and had the best in both of us. I then talked to him about the past. The happiest day in our lives, 08/11/01. I repeated my vow to him, "In sickness and in health, until death do us part". Those were the last words I said to him, the very last words. It gives me a little comfort, but just as much guilt. IF ONLY!!!!!! A different decision here or there...the guilt eats away at me like acid through a sweet tart. I don't want it to erode me, I don't want to become embittered. So, I have to deal with it....and I'm ill equipped. I forgave Mark countless times in our marriage...somehow I'm going to have to forgive myself. I have to, or there will be nothing left of what Mark loved in me - my heart.

There's a stupid "bereavement support group" tonight nearby. Ironically right across the street from where Mark was in ICU and ended up walking out of the hospital perfectly well, only to pass away two months later. There's another support group at the church which we wed. Great...full service place - we join you in marriage and then tell you it's all okay when they die less than 7 years later. All of these places feel tainted to me, and I want to avoid them.

Forgive the ones you love. Nothing is unforgiveable.
Natalia