Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A letter to Mark

Dear Mark,
I thought of all the ways that I could try to communicate with you - my skeptical, smart husband. I could continue to cry and ask you why you're not here...but you're not responding to that. I could write you a letter, but your vision was so poor without your glasses, though I should believe that has been restored. So I'm resorting to the computer and the internet. You had such passion for computers...surely you will find my letter this way.

You told me once that there is only love. I believe you, but I wish I could feel that now. I've been feeling only sadness. I am missing you so intensely...it's like the first couple months all over again. In the last couple weeks I've been crying for hours every day. I had been getting "better" (whatever that really means), and then I saw your car in the parking lot. For a couple of seconds I got that flutter in my stomach when I knew I was about to see you. I thought of the times in the last couple months of your life when I would go out to your work, drive through the parking lot to find your car and leave a note on the steering wheel. I thought of how you were the only person I trusted enough to sleep in a car when you drove it. Most painfully, I thought that I was about to see you. I can't believe that I am NEVER going to see your face again. I'm NEVER going to hug you again. I don't know why that triggered it so bad, but it did.

You said that you knew how much I loved you, but I find that hard to believe. I would have done anything for you. I would have died for you. I'm finding it hard right now to live without you. That scares me. Not because loving you that much scares me, but because not wanting to live...I know that's wrong. So, I will go to the doctor and get the meds that will supposedly make me want to live again...but there's no way they can ever fix what really hurts. What really hurts is that you're not next to me right now, and you never will be.