Entertaining ghosts

Up until a few months ago I used to be so happy that I would sing in my car...loudly and badly (I'm sure), even "drive dancing" if the music was good enough and I was happy enough. I would be on my way home to Mark, driving fast, and I was happy. Every now and then I thought that if there is life after death, my grandmother would be suffering through my singing, but then I suffered through hers at church...so I guess it all evens out. I'm sure she would have been laughing at me, dancing in my seat as I'm driving.

I haven't been that happy in the last few months - so I haven't been drive dancing/singing. I wonder if Mark is watching? Before Mark's death I had some belief in life continuing after death. I believed in god. Not in any religion, but god. Now, I just don't see how everything that has happened in the last few months can possibly co-exist along side a loving god.

I'm not sure when I'll ever sing again...but if I do, I hope Mark is watching me and gets a good laugh! I don't think I'm doing much else right now that would make him happy, except surviving. Maybe that's enough for now. I hope someday I'll be happy enough that I'll be able to entertain him, and he'll be able to smile that huge smile that melted me. Maybe I'll do the elevator jig, Mark.

Show your joy with someone you love - some smiles last for eternity in the memory.
Natalia

Abandonment

A friend of mine talked earlier today about difficulty she had when her boyfriend was out of town. She realized that she was having issues with abandonment, and is dealing with it in therapy.
Abandonment doesn't get any more permanent than to be left behind in this situation. I suppose it helps to know that Mark never chose to abandon me...but the net result is the same.

I've also been learning that certain friends are really there for what you can do for them. It's really hard because I put so much value into my friendships. But ultimately, if you're going to be a survivor, you're going to be abandoned time and time again. Mark was ALWAYS there for me. I hope I was always there for him...he didn't always make it clear when he needed me. I do know this much, nobody on this planet was more important than him, and he knew that in his heart. I chose him, and I never looked back.

Stay with the one you love - they're irreplaceable.
Natalia