One of the eerie similarities that Mark and I had surfaced when he asked me what my favorite movie was. I told him "Wings of Desire". His face went white (even whiter than usual). It's an artistic German film that probably 1% of Americans have seen, and it was also Mark's favorite movie (or it was at the time). The plot was about an angel who in the course of his "duties" sees an acrobat in a circus and falls in love with her. Angels have a good life....free from all of the hassles that we encounter, but they're apparently not immune to longing and desire. He loves her so much that he wants to rid himself of his wings and become a mere mortal again - a huge step down. I remember walking out of the Uptown theater and having all of my senses altered from the movie. Peoples' voices sounded like they were coming out of a tunnel...I felt like I could hear every footstep I made, and everything not directly in front of me went hazy. I've never had an experience like that since...probably better than a mushroom trip (I have no basis of comparison, sadly).
Buddhists believe that the root of all pain is longing and desire. I've studied religions but have found mankind to be so fallible...how can humans create a belief system that is true? I used to have a strong belief in a higher power and in an afterlife - but when realize that you were sleeping while your husband was dying next to you...it tends to erode your faith. I'm told that he's in a better place. My response is that when he was alive the best place in the world was alongside me. Nevertheless, I do agree that desire causes pain. If I didn't desire to have Mark back so much, I wouldn't have such pain. So - I guess the root of that is that joy ultimately causes pain. Every relationship we have is going to end. We can choose to focus on the joy or the pain. Right now, the pendulum switches back and forth. I choose to focus on the joy, but sometimes emotions have a mind of their own.
I do know this, I would abdicate "angeldom" and return to earth for those few people that I love dearly. I think Mark would too - but sadly that isn't an option in real life, or death. The only option we have is to love freely with our whole heart - we're all vulnerable anyway, so why not just lay your cards out on the table?
In the day to day life of relationships those joys and pains become dulled by the drudgery of existence. Try to bring some joy back into your life, and your loved one's life today. If you can't create it - at least reminisce about it.
