One pill fixes all

I've been depressed once before, and when I realized it I told Mark that he needed to get me help because I wouldn't be able to do it myself. When it takes you 15 minutes to will yourself to grab the remote control...that's a pretty good clue. I caught it, he made the appointment, I went, and within a week I felt like myself again.

Not surprisingly given the last month or so, I'm depressed, and this time I had to catch it before it got to the point it did last time. I made the appointment myself. I don't think it's going to make me cry less, but maybe it will help make things seem less hopeless.

I see nothing good in the future. I'll never have another love like Mark - never. I'll never settle for something less. We used to say that we were so lucky...that so few people ever find that kind of deep love. It wasn't all smooth sailing...I wish I could say that, but we made mistakes. We did learn from them, and the last nine months were some of the best of our marriage. Maybe I should be grateful that I got something that most people never get - unconditional love in a marriage.

I'm not feeling particularly grateful these days. I'm angry, but more than anything else I'm feeling totally hopeless. I can't see anything good will ever come in my life again. I don't want a half ass love, so I won't have another relationship. I won't have children - something Mark and I were actively working on. Due to the increasing difficulty of my health over the last few years and our lack of life insurance, my "lifestyle" (if you can call it that) will be crap. Our beloved Hoover is 7 1/2 years old, and in the next couple years he will pass away. Most of my friends are a little bit older than me, my brother is older. By actuarial tables, I will likely outlive everyone. I'll be the crabby old lady at the nursing home that nobody comes to visit. I'll see everyone I care about die, and be left with nobody.

Everything was bearable with Mark by my side. Now, nothing is. I forget to feed my dogs...I forget to eat. Living is just a formality. So, I think I've come to the stunning conclusion that I'm depressed.

Never fear, I'm American, I'll get some shiney new pills and everything will be better. Husband dead? No problem, pills will solve everything.

Tell someone you love that you love them - they need to hear it, and you need to remember you said it.
Natalia