More or less

It just doesn't get easier with time. It gets worse. I miss Mark more than ever.

More and more things happen that I wish Mark were a part of. Our country is changing finally, and in a direction that Mark would be so excited to see. More nights go by that I wish I could hear him laughing as he watched a puerile tv show. More nights in bed that I miss those incredible conversations...what we wanted for our lives, our loved ones and our world.

Less things make sense. Mark had just scratched the surface of what he had to offer the world. I have less reason for being. My future as I envision was intrinsically linked to being Mark's wife. "Me" ten years ago would have been horrified by that statement, but the present "me" knows that being Mark's wife is an honor. I have less certainty that there is a god. What kind of god would have done this?

The world continues all around me. People are falling in love, getting married, having children, and unfortunately getting divorced. My life has stood pretty much still since July 22nd. I don't know how to restart it, and I'm not always sure that I want to.