Game Playing

aI frequently play computer games in the morning as I wait for my medicine to kick in. I don't like losing. I never have. When I was young we would all play cards at the cabin during the summer. I was the only one so intent on winning that I would get a headache. I'm quite willing to quit my computer game and restart a new one if it looks unlikely that I'm going to win.

I never once considered "quitting" Mark. That isn't to say that I didn't consider temporarily leaving so that we could each get the help we needed to make us work individually and jointly better. We went through a rough spell, as most marriages do. I never followed through with it. I couldn't have even left him for 24 hours.

I've recently received the negatives to our wedding pictures and I've spent hours today looking at us...so happy and so oblivious to the pain that was to come. The arguments, misunderstandings, health problems and the untimely death. Many of the arguments were unbeknownst to me caused by the tumor that ultimately led to his death. On the flip side, there were multitudes more good times together. The best of times were not the trips to NY or Europe. They were canoeing together, laying in bed laughing at a tv show, discussing how much we hated the status-quo in politics. We connected...mind, body and soul. Loyalty, love, and respect trumped any argument. Those qualities now seem to only aggravate my grief. He fit me like a glove, and now I feel like I'm an irregular.

As I look at my younger self, it doesn't even occur to me that I should have stayed with my original plan - to just become immersed in being a lawyer. In this game of life I changed suits; from clubs to hearts and I don't regret it. I played the game with Mark, and I won. I always knew I would win staying with him. I don't feel like a winner right now. I have puffed up red eyes with a heart that literally hurts, but Mark left me with so much...memories, enlightenment, and love. I'm a lucky woman to have found a true soul mate.

When times get rough, fight for your love.