My first post

Today is just a bit after a month...after Mark. Society has used BC/AD to delineate time...my life's time is noted before Mark passed away, and after. Everything that we did when he was alive was "just a week ago" - but that can't be; since he's been gone for a month.
I'm not sure what I want in this blog...I've wanted to write to Mark for a while. I've always been terrible at journaling, I thought that if I made it writing to Mark then I would do it. Part of me wants to do that...knowing full well that he would roll his eyes and tell me that he's not here to read it. Part of me has also become almost evangelical about him...I need to tell everyone about him and how he taught me to love on a whole other level that I didn't know existed, within me or in the world. He never would have told it himself, he was far too modest and private.

I remember once that I told him that as long as my heart was beating he would be alive - because we shared hearts. I wish I really felt that now. His absence is overwhelming...I alternate between being overly attached to simple objects associated with him, and wanting to toss everything away and get out of this house. It hurts so much. I have never known such pain...I never could imagine it. On the exterior I appear whole, but it's a shell. Really, the moment that I was told that Mark died, a searing knife removed everything from inside me. I'm hollow now. I walk in this world, but don't really feel that I belong here anymore. Half of me is with him; in another world or just plain gone. I'm not sure yet (i'll let you know when I get there). I NEVER would have thought that by simply loving someone I was granting them this much power through their death. I never could have imagined that ANYTHING could hurt this much. There's no pain pill in the world that can touch this....it's on a whole different plane.

When Mark and I faced problems in the past, I was always the optimist. I had believed that things could never get too bad... "my god" wouldn't allow it. Well, "my god" failed us. Nothing...absolutely nothing could be worse than taking Mark away from earth. You can take him away from me - a divorce - anything, but it just makes no sense to take him away from earth. I no longer have that feeling that I'm protected. More than ever I want to feel protected, I feel vulnerable. At times I feel like the whole world can sense my vulnerability, like sharks drawn to blood, my grief feels as if it leaves me open to an attack. It's amazing, because the whole neighborhood knows about it. The ladies that used to walk by as I gardened and exchange a smile and hello put their heads down now as they walk past. They know that they could just as easily be that lost woman with sad eyes fumbling around in the dirt. My grief scares them.

Mark was never "the guy" at all the parties that would light up the room. He was the quiet guy that really cared about the couple of people that he was talking to. He lit up my life, changed me profoundly, and taught me once again to love. What do I do with all that now? Is this all a cruel joke, or a really vivid, long nightmare?
I miss you Mark. I'm tired of crying - but there's nothing else I can do right now.
Remember to let those that you love know it...show it.

Natalia